Cut the Shit

The First Day of School

I'm not exactly sure why "Google Images" brings this picture up when you type in "First Day of School - Lonely".

I can only assume that seahorses truly understand what it's like to feel lonely when attending the first day of school. I mean, I don't know about you, but I felt like a seahorse when I got on the bus to kindergarten. I mean, who didn't?

Anyways...I choose this title because it's exactly how I feel after returning to NYC from the Thanksgiving holiday.

I had to go home for a funeral which took me out of commission for a full week. I was in Albany on Saturday and didn't return until the following...well, Saturday.

While I was gone, I felt depressed and alone and regardless of cell phone issues, I didn't call or actually, REACH out to anyone. I did it on my own and in most ways, respected myself for being so strong.

Then I came home (well, back to NYC) and I immediately felt a sincere distance from Paul.

Honestly, it's THAT factor that's fucked me up the most. Didn't he miss me? Now that I'm committed to him (for the LONG haul), have a I made a mistake? Has he changed his mind about our longevity? Have I?

See? It's the factor that fucked me up.

So I'm home and my best friends are all wrapped up in their own lives and have plans or work or (upsettingly so) nothing to say about the fact that I was at a funeral last week. Of course there are THOSE that have squelched my insecurity, but then again there are THOSE that have STILL to address the fact that I've been out of commission for the last two weeks. Like it never happened.

I've been trying SO HARD (right Kelly?) to be a level-headed guy in every situation I'm confronted with, but I feel like when I take on the role of "chill guy", I get fucked. Like my expectations and feelings don't mean anything. Instead of being the big mouth, I'm now the guy that's "chill" and I fucking hate it.

So I'm home from my visit to Albany and life seems to go on with or without me.

Maybe these people don't realize it, but I'm the star of the movie. And while that may sound egotistical, know this...

It is my GOAL as a friend to make those I love feel that way every day. If you're my friend, then you KNOW I do my best to make you the star of my movie.

Why did I come back to NYC and feel like a supporting character?